Hanging On.

Reader beware...this post may be raw.  The past six weeks have been incredibly difficult for Kevin and I.  We try to put on a happy face.  We try to focus on the positive.  We try to keep some semblance of normal for our daughters.  We try not to burden others with our woes.  However, we are human and sometimes it is just too much.  We are blessed in so many ways.  We are fortunate to have more time than we originally imagined.  But, we are still living through a very tough battle.

The new treatment is awesome in so many ways.  Yet, there are so many unknowns with it.  The chemotherapy was awful, but the side affects were predictable.  A majority of the past six weeks, Kevin has been unable to walk without high doses of pain medication.  Both of his knees and his ankles have been swollen, sometimes to the extent that he cannot even bend and straighten them.  They tested him for gout or infection, both came back negative.  They took x-rays.  They did additional scans to be sure the cancer had not taken on a new life of its own.  They have had him ice and elevate.  They have sent him to physical therapy.  Each of these resulting in little to no sign of improvement. In the end, he is back on prednisone.  They tried other medications, but each time they would taper him off, the pain and swelling would come back with a vengeance.  For now, we believe it may be some type of rheumatoid arthritis that has been onset by his treatments.  So...he has had to forego some treatments. 

For everything that Kevin has been through, he has never complained.  These past six weeks have taken their toll  He has hit a wall.  He hurts.  He is tired of hurting.  He is frustrated.  He cannot do the simple things in life.  He cannot tuck his daughters in bed at night.  Walking to the restroom or getting a glass of water have become monumental.  He wants to make a Little Free Library with the girls.  However, this one day project has taken weeks, because he just doesn't feel well.  He had to sit back and watch as his wife and daughters hauled furniture in and out of the house for the floors to be done.  He watches me do the daily tasks that he once called chores, wishing he could get up and help, but knowing that he cannot.

I try to be strong.  I try to hold it together.  I am tired of watching the man I love hurt so badly.  I am just plain tired.  We all have our Achilles heel.  My Achilles heel is the way in which I handle intensely stressful situations.  When I am hurting or overwhelmed, I get angry and hold people at a distance.  I know this about myself.  I have fought each and every day the past 2-1/2 years to overcome this demon.  Lately, I have not had the strength. 

I do not write these things for pity.  I write these things, because it is good to get them out.  We will carry on.  We will continue to cling to what is good and to fight for each new day.  We will continue to do the things that bring us together as a family.  We ask for your continued prayers as we walk this journey.