My Truth.

The beautiful thing about this blog, is that it is mine.  If you came here, then it was of your own accord.  I say this, because unlike other social media, I am not pushing my thoughts upon you.  One has a choice whether they come to this page and read it.  This is my disclaimer for what I am about to write.  Some of you may agree with my thoughts, some of you may vehemently disagree.  So be it.  I have felt compelled for a long time to write about the spiritual struggle that I went through as Kevin fought for his life and ultimately lost the battle.  I was reminded recently about this struggle as I listened to a video by Kate Bowler for World Cancer Day.  Living a Chronic Life In a Fix It Now World.

I will do my best to organize my thoughts, but bear with me as I may ramble.  I will start from the beginning.  I am a Christian.  I am also an engineer.  I would say that these two things have often been in contradiction to one another.  It is fundamentally hard to live a life of faith when everything you know is based in science and fact.  However, my Christianity is just that - FAITH.  There are a million ways to poke holes in my beliefs, but I simply do not care.  I believe in the Bible.  It is FAITH.  

Now that I have established that, I will start with the day Kevin got sick.  Never did I ever expect that something like this would happen to our family.  It rocked my faith like no other.  How could God possibly allow this to happen?  To exacerbate matters, everyone had an opinion to share.  Granted, I believe with all my heart that most of these opinions came from a very good place, but they were hard to hear nonetheless.  Everyone seemed to have an explanation as to why this happened or an opinion about how Kevin should go about fighting his battle with cancer (i.e. naturally, medically, new wave, etc).  Thankfully, Kevin was very pragmatic.  I like that word, pragmatic.  I stole it from Roy.  It is perfect to explain the approach Kevin decided to take.  Kevin's approach kept our family on the rails.

As for the spiritual side of things, it started when one well intentioned person told us that Kevin was 'destined' to have cancer.  God had pre-ordained this for him.  This is where it started to simultaneously unravel and come together for me.  How could the God I love possibly be so cruel?  If I were to continue to have Faith, I would need to seek understanding.  

So often, when disaster strikes someone, the following scripture is thrown out: 

"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it" 1 Corinthians 10:13

It is typically, ad libbed and leaves out the part that it is really talking about temptation, not horrible life circumstances.  This scripture does not say that God will not give us more than we can bear.  It says that he will give us a way out.  Sometimes the way out is simply the strength and peace to get through it.  There is no magic here.  We live in a very sinful world - starting all the way with Adam and Eve.  Therefore, we live a world here on Earth that is filled with sickness, death and suffering.  Bad things CAN happen to  good people.  Conversely, good things can happen to very bad people.  If we are dealing with awful things happening to us, it is not because we have done something wrong.  It is because we live in a sinful world.  THIS.IS.HOW.I.REMAINED.FAITHFUL.  Our promises are not here on Earth.  We cannot be protected from the world we live in.  But, we can keep our eyes on the future that our FAITH promises.  I suppose that boils it down in the most simplest of terms.  Granted it took me months to arrive there and years to remain there.

Then the awful happened.  Kevin died.  About 3 months after he died, my faith struggled like it never had before.  It was not so easy for me to rationalize.  I am an engineer.  I needed an explanation that I could wrap my head around.  My dear friend, Faith (yes, ironically that is her name), had sent me a book titled Heaven by Randy Alcorn.  My friend had lost her husband, Kenny, in a car accident when we were in our twenties.  

I will not detail the spiritual struggles that I was having.  I choose not to share those details with many people for fear that it will damage their faith as well.  However, let it be known that the struggle was very real, and my scientific mind was having trouble hanging on.  This book helped me very much.  To this day, I still have to pray and remind myself of the promises of God.  I cannot say that I have rationalized every detail in my head, but again I suppose that is why it is called Faith.  At some point, one has to stop poking holes and believe.  

I have listened to Kate Bowler's video (link above) many times.  It is very well put and sums up much of my heart.  There is so much in that short talk.  I know that she is talking about cancer.  However, this can be applied to so many situations we are facing in the world today.  Mental health, disease, tragedy.  At some point, perhaps we should stop trying to rationalize and start to love one another.  I continue to pray that my heart stays soft and my mind stays open.  I was not put here to be the judge and jury.  I was put here to love.  One thing I know for certain, and that I suspect we can all agree on, it is going to be messy!