The Inside of Me.

Since our family was delivered the news of Kevin's health last October, I have been in a huge wrestling match.  I wish that I was one of those people that had immediate thoughts of how wonderful God is and how he will use this situation for the good.  To the contrary it has challenged my Faith in God like it has never been challenged before. 

As I grappled for peace, I recalled a scripture that said something like 'God will not give you more than you can bear'.  As it turns out, I looked up that scripture and that is not what it says at all.  The scripture actually says, "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."  I was disappointed to say the least.  Not in the scripture itself, but that it did not apply to what we were going through.  I had to dig deeper.

While my mom was visiting, she recommended a book by Max Lucado called You'll Get Through This.  I am now on my third time through this book.  It has brought me many tears and much hope.  I have come to admire Joseph and the ways in which God used his life.  God was able to take the things that were intended to bring Joseph harm and use them for good.  It did not happen overnight.  What may have seemed like a short period (from one scripture to the next) was actually years.  As I reflect on Joseph's life, I am certain that he must have felt like we do at times.  Yet, he stayed close to God. 

I often think there is something wrong with me, because I do not 'feel' God's presence.  I do not feel him carrying me or sitting right here next to me.  Rather he reveals himself in the small gestures and moments.  I see him through my co-workers, through my family and through complete strangers.  He offers me small glimmers of hope and reassurance.  Kevin and I receive cards from my brother-in-law's mother, Carol.  She sends them to us on a regular basis.  We did not know her well before this.  Yet, her cards have given us tremendous encouragement.  I save each one of them and re-read them often.  They are filled with God's words and her own words of encouragement.

There have been many well intentioned people that have said "Well, this is all part of God's plan."  To believe this would make me a very bitter person.  Rather, I cling to the truths that illness, pain and suffering are not the acts of God.  They are the results of actions taken by people centuries before us and perpetuated by people today.  God never promised to protect us from pain and suffering here on earth.  His ultimate peace and protection comes once we are in Heaven.  (Revelation 21:4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.)

We were blessed to have an amazing summer.  We lived each day to the fullest.  We were not peppered with Doctor's appointments and needles.  Kevin was not beat down by drugs that attempt to give us more time together.  We took some time off to enjoy each other as a family.  The doctor's encouraged it, and we did it.  Today, we had a glimmer of hope.  As we were read the results of the scan today, the cancer had not grown or spread any further.  It had not shrunk, but it had not grown.  In my book, this is a miracle.  Now Kevin has some time to decide what next and when.  The cancer still resides in his esophagus, his lymph nodes and his liver, but it is a miracle that it has not grown a life of it's own. 

This is a journey.  One that we never imagined we would take.  It has not been fun.  It has not been easy, but God will continue to help us each step of the way.  If I have learned nothing else, I have learned to take each day at a time.  This is an extremely hard thing for me (as those who know me can attest to).  In the book mentioned above, Max Lucado has a quote, "You'll get through this. It won't be painless. It won't be quick. But God will use this mess for good. In the meantime don't be foolish or naïve. But don't despair either. With God's help you will get through this.”